Kinship Caregivers Raising Relative Children: Learning to be an Advocate for your Relative Child

There are more than 7,700 grandparents raising grandchildren in the state of Montana and many more relative caregivers raising children. A family crisis is often the reason that a kinship caregiver is raising a relative child, prompting the need for emotional, financial and legal resources.

• Back to Categories
• Browse Guides
• PDF View

JANICE IS RAISING HER TWO GRANDSONS, PAUL,

age 10, and Michael, age 6, who came to live with her two years ago when her daughter, Sarah, was incarcerated for possession of methamphetamine. Janice knew that Sarah was struggling both personally and as a parent, but she did not know how bad it was until Sarah was arrested. Sarah now calls her mother wanting to take the boys back to live with her, but she can never follow through. Since Janice does not have legal custody of the boys, Sarah has been threatening Janice by telling her that she will take the boys and Janice won’t be able to see them again. Janice finds it hard to set boundaries for Sarah, the daughter she loves, but Janice knows she wants the boys have a stable home and she will do what it takes to ensure their safety.

School has been a challenge for Paul. He frequently acts out and is disruptive in class. Janice has met with the school psychologist but she does not feel that he listens to what she tells him or that he is empathetic, given Paul’s background and problems. Janice typically calls him several times a week, but the psychologist is not returning her calls. She admits that during her last meeting with the psychologist, she was angry and emotional. The situation makes her feel exhausted and depressed. Advocating for a grandchild can be time consuming, tiring, and emotional. During that first full year living with her grandsons, Janice felt she was always on a wild rollercoaster ride. She turned her guest room into the boys’ room and found appropriate, affordable furniture. She had no immunizations records, so she had to locate them before enrolling the boys in school that fall. Her grocery and utility bills skyrocketed and the rapidly growing boys were constantly in need of new clothes. She hadn’t had children in her house for at least 20 years and the thought of parenting again was intimidating.

Janice’s situation is not uncommon. Grandparents and relative caregivers typically take on the role of parenting a second time around, due to a family crisis – in this case Sarah’s drug use and jail time. The many needs of relative children, both practical and emotional, often put the relative caregiver into crisis mode until they learn where to go for additional resources and support. After the first year, Janice felt her new family situation was finally in balance. When she learned where she could access resources for the boys and for them as a family, the three of them were able to develop a routine. (For more on Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, now the Montana Kinship Navigator Program, see the MontGuide Parenting the Second Time Around, (MT200706HR). The remaining areas of struggle for Janice are being able to express her grandsons’ needs to the school, and being able to set boundaries with her daughter. Janice wants to learn how to effectively advocate for her grandchildren and herself.

An advocate is someone who supports another person or cause. Parents historically advocate for their children, but a more active and vocal type of advocacy is prevalent today. Relative caregivers may not know how to access school resources for children facing behavioral and/or emotional health issues. These services may not have been available when their own children were young. In the past, teachers and other professionals were viewed as experts. Parents were not encouraged to ask for clarification or seek a second opinion, but that has changed. When relative caregivers attempt to advocate for their relative children, stress and emotion often prevent them from seeing the situation objectively.

There are steps that relative caregivers can take to learn advocacy skills for their relative child. Janice may want to look closely at how she handles the difficult conversations with both the school psychologist and Sarah. She could then practice being assertive rather than aggressive. Finally, she could reach out to other grandparent or relative caregivers to find mentors willing to help her. One study found success pairing parents with other parents who had similar experiences and who had an understanding of how to effectively mentor others to advocate for themselves and their children.

Learning how to handle difficult conversations without becoming overly emotional is a good place to start. Experts call these difficulr discussions “crucial conversations.” These are the talks where you typically experience elevated emotions, where high stakes are involved, and opposing opinions expressed. It is important that Janet has a crucial conversation with her daughter, Sarah. Sarah often threatens Janice with prohibiting her from being with the boys if she doesn’t comply with her demands. Janice knows the boys will not be well cared for if they go back to live with their mother. Janice needs to think about what she really wants for the boys, their mother, and herself. What does she think a good solution would be? When she focuses on those questions she can avoid becoming too fearful and emotional. She also wants to focus on finding common goals with Sarah – the goal of doing what is best for the boys.

In order to have a successful crucial conversation with Sarah, Janice needs to have more assertiveness training. This would also help her when talking to the school psychologist. Learning how to be assertive rather than overly emotional or angry takes practice. Being assertive means looking out for your own needs while still considering the needs of others. It does not entail a win-lose scenario.

The following steps can help Janice learn to be more assertive and have those necessary, but tough, conversations. Some background work is necessary in order for Janice to be more successfult.

She needs to:

•   Identify the person she will be talking to about her situation.
•   Write down the person’s name and contact information where it can be found easily.
•   Determine the problem needing to be solved. For example, maybe she would like to feel acknowledged and listened to more by the school psychologist regarding Paul’s problems.
•   Write down her concerns on a piece of paper, stating what she would like to see happen.
•   Write down areas of concern that she believes are nonnegotiable – for example, it is non-negotiable that Paul receive help from the school.

It’s helpful to take time to practice. First, Janice needs to make an appointment through the school with the school psychologist. Let whomever is making the appointment know the purpose of the appointment. For example, Janice might say, “My grandson, Paul has been acting out at home, not following rules, and he seems depressed. I would like to talk to (using the name of the school psychologist) about what resources may be available for Paul.”

Next, try practicing the conversation using a cell phone to record practice sessions. A friend can play the role of the other person, or use a mirror to see yourself as you practice. Start practicing from the beginning of the meeting. For Janice, she would greet the school psychologist. Remember that high stakes, high emotions, and opposing views may be factors in the conversation. Begin with a greeting of “Thank you for taking time to meet with me about my grandson Paul, who lives with me full-time. His mother is unable to parent him.” Then restate the purpose of the meeting. It is very important to be calm, matter-of-fact, and avoid placing blame. Next, by talking into the cell phone or looking into the mirror, practice stating concerns. Pause during practice to allow the school psychologist to comment. It is very important to practice listening. This can be especially difficult when we are involved in emotional situations with a lot at stake. Next, practice stating what you would like to see happen that could lead to a resolution. Again, practice pausing so that the other person can give information about what may or may not be feasible. Finally, practice ending the meeting with a “Thank you.” A handshake may be appropriate as well. Practice this several times until you feel confident and comfortable, knowing exactly what you would like to communicate in the meeting. Now you should be more able to put your work into action and make the necessary appointments. Although it may seem awkward to practice, doing so will better prepare you to have crucial conversations with others.

When advocating for yourself or your relative child, you may want to invite a trusted friend to go with. Be sure to notify the person you are meeting with, prior to the scheduled appointment, that this will be the case. Surprises may put him/her on the defensive. As a result, the other party may choose to have someone join him/ her during the meeting as well. Ask the friend to take notes during the meeting, especially if you are worried about being too nervous or emotional. Sometimes we do not clearly hear what another person is saying when we experience strong emotions. At the close of the meeting, ask when you might learn about a decision and/or plan for the next time you will meet. Do not be surprised if additional meetings are needed.

Using the space below, outline a difficult conversation you plan to have in order to advocate more effectively for your relative child.

What is the problem that I need to try and solve?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.

Write down the name and contact information of the person I need to see.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.

What are the concerns that I would like to share?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.

What outcomes or solutions would I like to have?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.

What are some ideas I have for a solution?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.

What is non-negotiable?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.

In the example above, Janice is advocating for her grandchildren with a professional. She needs to use a similar strategy with her daughter. Trying to have a conversation with Sarah when she is threatening to take the boys away would not be productive. It’s also important to talk to Sarah when she has not been drinking. As with the school psychologist, the conversation will be more successful if Janice lets Sarah know ahead of time that she would like to talk to her about the boys. Janice should let Sarah know that her goal is for the boys to be cared for in a stable, loving home. When they agree this goal is the priority, Janice can then talk to Sarah about how that can be accomplished. Before talking to Sarah, it would be helpful for Janice to practice the same steps she used to prepare her to talk to the school psychologist, so that she might be more self-assured when stating her intentions. Having a targeted, problem-solving conversation with a family member can be more emotional than one with a professional because we typically have stronger feelings about, and ties to family. If Sarah becomes overly emotional and angry during the conversation, it might be wise for Janice to suggest that she and Sarah talk at another time. In this way, Janice is setting a boundary by letting Sarah know that she won’t be drawn into an argument like she has been in the past. Janice may want to enlist a trusted family friend, pastor, or neighbor to be part of the conversation if it will help keep the conversation on track. She may need to ask Sarah if she would be willing to go with her to see a counselor so that they can take the necessary steps together to accomplish their shared goal. In many communities there are counseling services with sliding fee scales that are helpful for those on limited incomes.

Janice has been practicing how to advocate for her grandsons, but in addition, she has joined a support group for grandparent caregivers. This gives her an opportunity to hear from others with similar experiences. She gets helpful suggestions about what to say or what not to say during difficult conversations. She’s also gained a network of friends that she can call on when emotional support is needed in dealing with her grandsons.

Difficult conversations, conflict and boundary setting are hard for most people, especially during emotionally- charged times. However, in order to successfully resolve problems, we need to engage in these conversations. Learning how to effectively handle a crucial conversation will allow you to assert your needs and successfully advocate for your relative child and yourself. The process takes patience and practice.

References

Alberti, R. & Emmons, M. (2017). Your perfect right: Assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships. (10th Ed.). Oakland, CA: Impact Publishers.

Cohen, E. & Canan, L. (2006). Closer to home: Parent mentors in child welfare. Child Welfare, 85(5), 867- 884.

Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. (2nd Ed.). New York: McGraw Hill.

Acknowledgements

We would like to thank the following Extension agents for reviewing earlier drafts of this guide:

• Holly Jay, Big Horn County
• Denise Seilstad, Fergus County
• Katelyn Andersen, Ravalli County

Funding to support the development of this guide was provided by the Montana Children’s Trust Fund, Grant # 4W6925.