Are you exhausted and overwhelmed by all that needs attention and yet feel guilty for not creating quality family time? Do evening routines end in frustration or even shouting matches? How can a family deal with the responsibilities of daily life and align with values of family and
emotional connection?
Pinterest and other websites tout fun activities for families to create meaningful connection, and summer family vacations are advertised everywhere. But are those the best way to create quality family time? Maybe not. To find meaningful ways to keep your family plugged in with each other, consider practicing specific everyday habits that promote emotional connection without testing online trends or expensive travel.
Finding ways to make meaningful connection with your child helps create children who are not only cooperative, but also more respectful, kind, confident human beings who learn to manage the challenges of life well and will also enjoy being with their family in the future. Consider ways to weave family connection into the day with habits that show kids they matter and are loved. Tasks come and go, but the accomplishment of strong family connection leaves a positive legacy.
Practice everyday playfulness and laughter
Whether going to the grocery store together or cleaning up dinner dishes, focusing on the value of family connection instead of just the task at hand is an opportunity for playfulness and laughter. Laughter is considered to be a great way to connect with others, especially if it is not at the expense of anyone. Consider how your family could invite playfulness into everyday moments and build on your unique interests and routines. When you hear yourself thinking there is no time for goofing around, it may actually be the best time to take a few minutes to do a goofball jig or not take life so seriously.
Practice routines and spontaneity
Routines help decrease problem behaviors and provide a sense of security to children. However, adding some spontaneity while still maintaining responsibilities prevents rigidity and adds a sense of fun and connection. During daily routines when a child makes a request, how could you say yes to some part of the request? Are you willing to play a few minutes of video games with your child and show them that what they enjoy matters? Kids who feel like they matter learn to care about what matters to others.
Practice affection
Hugs, pats on the arm and smiles send the message to children that they are loved. Even with teens who may roll their eyes, a quick side hug or smooch on their head (or shoulder if they are tall) is a great way to connect in the flurry of busy lives. Also, never underestimate the importance of tucking in a child at bedtime, even teenagers. A hug and verbalizing something you appreciate about your child at the end of the day has lasting impact on how they will feel about themselves in the future.
Practice being present and listening
Being present means putting down your technology or stopping what you are doing to listen. A child at any age needs to know you are listening with empathy and understanding, versus listening to judge or give quick-fix answers or lectures. Encourage them to share what is on their mind. Repeat back to them what they shared to make sure you got it right. As they share more, summarize and reflect back to them what they have said; this very important step lets them know they are heard. Kids may choose to share or need you at challenging times in the day, such as rushing to activities, making dinner or late at night when you are exhausted. However, those are the moments when your actions either send a message that you care or you are too busy and dismissive. Work toward noticing these moments to practice being present and listening.
Practice validation
When kids are upset, withdrawn or misbehaving are useful moments for creating meaningful connection. The behavior may indicate they are struggling with something and if you discipline them before identifying and validating their struggle, you may miss something that creates more hurt and misbehavior. Inquire about what happened and help them label what they may be feeling. Then empathize with their feelings, without trying to fix the situation, regardless of how insignificant the situation may seem. They need to hear that emotion is okay to feel and that struggle can be tough. Kids will consider suggestions more often if they know their perspective is understood without judgment. If you need to set limits due to misbehavior, let children know that all feelings are acceptable but not all behavior is acceptable, and help them problem-solve ways of dealing with big emotions. For example, say “What your friend said was very hurtful. I can see why you were so hurt and angry that you hit them. It is okay to feel hurt and angry, but it is not ok to hit others. What could you do instead when you feel hurt and angry because someone has hurt you?”